Blog #6

We all know about eating disorders. We picture the bulimic: the person that binges on food, then takes laxatives or vomits to get rid of it all. Or maybe you see the anorexic: the extremely underweight, malnourished individual that never eats and yet constantly insists they are fat.

I was once the anorexic. At thirteen I thought, like most girls, that I was fat (even though I wasn't) and needed to "lose five pounds". If I just lost five pounds, I told myself I would be thinner and happier. But after I lost five pounds, guess what? I wasn't happy! I thought if I lost just five more pounds again then, THEN I would be thin and happy. With each of my five-pound-weight-losses, the lower my weight goal became. I ate barely anything, yet exercised constantly; I was weak and tired and cold all the time; all of my clothing began to hang on me, and my bones stuck out. I refused to eat any sweets, and was even afraid to eat carrots! It got to where if someone wasn't watching me eat, I would throw away my food and not eat at all. Yet, I still was afraid of gaining weight and becoming fat! My Mom became increasingly worried about me, and booked an appointment with my doctor. I absolutely denied that there was anything wrong, even though I was obviously starving and there was definitely something wrong! Well, you can guess what happened from there: the Doctor diagnosed me with anorexia nervosa and told me if I didn't gain weight by my next appointment a few days later, I would have to quit swimming and possibly become hospitalized because exercise would worsen my condition. Also, my pulse was extremely low and i had heart palpitations, all signs that I could and would have a heart attack and die if I didn't take a decisive course of action and choose life over being "thin." But I was too scared to eat; I couldn't stop being anorexic, but i didn't want to keep on living that way. Because i was unwilling and too scared to recover, the only option I saw was dying. I think a big part of me accepted that i was going to die; my starved brain that was slowly being consumed by own body in order to glean what little fat it could, wasn't thinking straight. I think as, little by little my bodily systems were shutting down, my soul was withering and I had no motivation to do anything but serve Anorexia. When I went to my next appointment, I had lost more weight, and a few days later they put me in pediatric ICU on bedrest with a nurse watching me 24/7. I was forced to gain weight back (ever heard of ensure? I had to drink 6 a day! haha) before i could go home...which ended up being five days later. Then I had to go to an Eating Disorder outpatient group two days a week to fully recover.

By now you're probably thinking "How could an eating disorder like this be viewed in any way but negatively!" It's true that eating disorders are miserable and deadly, but my own personal experience with anorexia taught me more about life and getting my priorities straight than anything else I could have gone through. Being so close to death, I suddenly wondered why being thin mattered so much; something I had thought would make me happy had caused more strain on my family and I than anything we'd ever encountered! I suddenly didn't even care about getting "fat". It wasn't worth losing my life over, and it definitely wasn't worth all the grief that it caused my family!

Now, I never consider myself as fat anymore. I would consider myself fully recovered, and I think if I had never gone through anorexia I might have always been unhappy with my body and thought of it as fat. My nutritionist taught me about the importance of a healthy weight over being thin, and the importance of eating healthfully. She also inspired me to choose a career as a nutritionist so that I can help other people recover from eating disorders.

Almost dying, but then making it through also showed me that there must be a reason I am alive :) I could have died, but I didn't and that makes me feel like I have a purpose.

So there you have it! A somewhat-too-long account of why eating disorders can be viewed in more than a negative light.